Chatty Isn’t Lonely

Posted in ADHD, HSP by sensitivetype

I had a light bulb moment recently, when a friend made a passing reference to a mutual acquaintance who “seemed lonely.” I was puzzled for a moment, since I had never thought so. Then I realized she was interpreting the acquaintance’s chattiness as social neediness.

This little pebble of insight dropped into my own history and rippled out into waves of new understanding. People have been making the same assumption about me, for the same reason, all my life.

An old photograph shows actress Sarah Bernhardt, in the role of Hamlet, speaking to a skull that she holds in her hand

My soliloquies aren’t usually as dire as this one.

BUT IT ISN’T TRUE. Continue reading →

30Jan2022

The Unconvinceables

Posted in Journey by sensitivetype

COVID Year Two was more of a challenge than COVID Year One.

It wasn’t that I expected the pandemic to end, as many apparently did. I did not, having some awareness of real world logistics, the speed of science, and the tendency of those who have made bad decisions to double down rather than repent.

And I’m not chafing at restrictions upon my usual activities. My life hasn’t changed much, except for wondering whether I am carrying home a fatal illness with my groceries.

No, the biggest, buzziest COVIDfly in the ointment of my life is Continue reading →

27Dec2021

Frames

Posted in ADHD, HSP, Journey by sensitivetype

As previously discussed in several posts, I’ve been trying to understand – and resolve – my constant struggle to get stuff done. I’m happy to report that I think I’ve figured out what’s going on.

Spring, 2021

After I adjusted the nutraceuticals I use to manage my depression without success (see Isms), I decided to try a more direct approach, and researched non-prescription options for “low motivation.” I didn’t find anything that sounded promising, but I couldn’t help noticing that many of the results that came up were in articles about managing ADHD.

Hmm.

Summer, 2021

I’ve thought I might have some degree of ADHD for many years, but never really followed up on that thought. It didn’t seem to be affecting me much. But I decided to read a book about it. Many quotes from adults with ADHD resonated unexpectedly.

Hmm.

Fall, 2021

I found some podcasts by people living with ADHD. Issues with energy and initiative cycles, motivation, and timeliness are everywhere. Methinks I have found the answer to the mystery of my procrastination – not a lingering depression symptom at all.

The discovery is liberally sprinkled with karma, as I’ve told more than one lover/colleague/friend with ADHD that it appeared to be affecting them a lot more than they believed (but nobody ever said the same to me, I swear).

This new insight hasn’t resulted in overnight solutions, but it explains a LOT, including why I keep overlooking things in plain sight. It’s shown me a community grappling with similar issues. And I’m reassessing my capacities, my expectations, and my notion of what is “normal for me.”

That’s Odd

The more I read/heard about ADHD, the more some very familiar terms cropped up. “Highly sensitive,” for example. Also “overwhelm.” This from people who never mentioned Sensory Processing Sensitivity, and as far as I could tell, had never even heard of it. Continue reading →

21Nov2021

Mortality

Posted in Depression, Journey by sensitivetype

I learned last night that a singer who was important to me once has died. She died several months ago, as it turns out, but it was news to me. Or perhaps not. I had been thinking of her off and on over the past few weeks, or rather of her music, as first one of her songs, and then another drifted into and out of my mind for a few days. Somehow, I knew, so seeing the past tense in the search results did not shock or surprise me, as it so often has in recent years. Maybe I caught a fleeting glimpse of a headline awhile back, and put it away out of consciousness until I was ready for it to surface.

For a moment, when I saw the singer’s age, I thought, oh well, she was getting up there. Then I remembered my own age, which I often forget, and which is not much less than hers.

Savage Breast

Music meant a lot to me during my depressed years Continue reading →

3Jul2021

The Tedium is the Passage

Posted in About Me, HSP, Journey by sensitivetype

Browsing through old drafts, I came across this unfinished post from 2016. I present it here as a prequel to my May post, Isms. More at the end…

Cover of the book "Work as a Spiritual Practice," by Lewis Richmond

I found this book in my neighbor’s little lawn library, but did not notice the subtitle until I got it home. Buddhists again. What is up with that? Everywhere I look there seem to be Buddhists, or Buddhist practices. Am I resisting some inner calling or something?

I ponder that question. I am not a huge fan of organized (or even disorganized) religions. With the best of intentions, religions try to institutionalize direct experience, at which point it is no longer direct. Thus, self-contradiction is built into their foundations from day one.

I see spirituality as primarily a private, internal experience. Certainly spiritual inspiration can come from many sources, but overall, looking outside to better know yourself seems to me like a step in the opposite direction from where you are trying to get. (Of course, that perspective may be colored by the fact that I’m an introvert).

I think it’s just that Buddhists and I are often interested in the same things. Continue reading →

12Jun2021

The Tyrannical Touchstone of Normalness

Posted in HSP, Introversion, Journey by sensitivetype

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been endeavoring “to learn to accept humans as we are.” After a brush with Buddhism reassured me that I am not the first person to grapple with pain, I turned to psychology, which has been more specifically helpful.

First, I discovered the overwhelming prevalence of “optimism bias” – predicting positive outcomes to an unrealistic degree. This helped me comprehend the unfathomable insistence by a large percentage of Americans that an epidemic which has killed more than 600,000 people was either fictional or insignificant.

To Err is Human

Since my last post, I have learned about a few other common psychological phenomena Continue reading →

15May2021

Isms

Posted in About Me by sensitivetype

Just a quick post (am I really capable of such a thing? We shall see) to update followers on the issues I was wrastling with in February. I quit the Yale “Science of Well-Being” course after a few weeks, as it was targeted primarily towards those who had bought into competitive materialism all of their lives, which has never been me. Also it was a little too mechanistic in its attitude toward brain science. Research is good, but not everything can be measured. Identity, for example. But hey, go Elis. Really, go. You will probably be much happier away from Yale and its ilk.

Building on the theory that procrastination was a manifestation of crippling yet unconscious anxiety Continue reading →

11Feb2021

HappyStance

Posted in Depression, HSP, Journey by sensitivetype

As I promised I would in my previous post, after I published it, I went and read what Elaine Aron had to say about the distinction between anxiety disorders and HSP overwhelm. The subject is actually an FAQ item on her website.

Fear Itself

The article is quite long, and its messages are rather mixed. I was appalled to find that Aron comes right out and says at one point that anxiety is “normal” for HSPs, therefore it is not a mental disorder in us. This seems like an extraordinarily bizarre and irresponsible statement for a mental health expert to make about 15-20% of the population. However, when you read the whole article, her message is more nuanced Continue reading →

6Feb2021

Is Overwhelm the Same as Anxiety?

Posted in Depression, HSP by sensitivetype

I’ve been grappling with a challenge I variously refer to as procrastination, low motivation, or a need for an astronomical amount of down/processing time, for awhile now. Years, actually. As you can see by my list of labels, the crux of the problem is not solving it (problem-solving is one of my natural strengths), but defining its nature (possibly less of a strength). Longtime readers may recognize this state of bemused non-functionality from the inception of Sensitive Type.

Just to be clear, the tasks I’m having trouble with are self-initiated. Some are associated with work, and I will eventually have to be accountable for them, but there is no one looking over my shoulder from day to day. Others impact only me. Ironically, the space to “be where I am” that I built in to my life in response to my previous crisis reduced the stress of pressure from others, but by also reducing the motivating imperative of deadlines, new stress was born.