My brain is abuzz with all of the things I read and see that I want to share with you. The backlog is getting too huge to ever catch up, though, so I set up a Facebook page where I can post things that don’t make it into a SensitiveType blog post. Check it out (there’s also a link in the right sidebar).
Here Comes the Sun
You may not have noticed if your weather is anything like mine, but the Winter Solstice passed about an hour ago. This means the longest night, the bottom of the year to people with SAD, is behind us, and daylight tomorrow will last longer than today. Hang in there.
In Stitches
Meet Michelle Kingdom, another introvert artist with a new twist on an existing art form.
Her horizon seemed to her limitless
She doesn’t say she’s an introvert, but when she talks about the privacy of her unique art – well, we can read between the lines. And once you see her images, and her titles – which are a very important part of her work – there can be no doubt. Those who think of introverts as loners may be surprised that most of her pieces include more than one person, and that even when they appear to be inwardly focused, she portrays them as interconnected.
Duties of gossamer
Little by little there was scarcely anything left
Sometimes, the carefully chosen titles say it all. Other times, they are intimate, yet cryptic, implying unspoken details beyond the edges of the scene, or multiple possible stories, with the context left open for the interpretation of the beholder.
Most intriguingly of all, these works are tiny, barely as wide as a woman’s hand.
I’m such a wordy person. I always have been. Words pour out of me like spring snow melt racing down a mountainside. Which is why I understand so very deeply and completely all of the things that words can’t do.
The Nonharmonious Mind in the First Person
Here’s a multimedia article with video first person accounts, and great cartoons by Dan Meth. Mental Illness Awareness Week was in October for some people. For others, every week is a mental illness awareness week.
Life After Death
Thanks to my readers who have sent their comfort. It does help.
After the past two weeks of constant intensity, I’m feeling a little numb. I think I reached my limit, and my emotions automatically shut off to give me some rest. I’ve been cleaning the house, catching up on neglected work, donating the leftover medications to the animal shelter.
I can’t really get away from it, of course. The house is too quiet, and wherever I look, there are signs of the life with three cats I used to live. Winter came while I wasn’t looking. The cold lurks in corners, ready to envelop me the moment the heater ticks off.
The surviving cat has never been alone in the house in her entire life. The first time I left her, after… she ran and hid when I came home. She came out when she realized it was me. It was someone coming in the door that had frightened her. The last person who came to the house was the vet who euthanized her sister.
I always wondered how the cat dynamics would change when there were only two, but it never occurred to me I might lose two at the same time.
Mom and daughter will be cremated together. It wouldn’t surprise me if my emotions come back when the ashes are returned to me in a couple of weeks. I’m grounded in the physical realm – cremation has always seemed more final to me than death, as if, as long as the body which was the vehicle of our connection still exists, that connection is not really broken.
In the end, one cat died “naturally,” and I had the other euthanized when every breath became a struggle. Neither of these was a “good” death. Maybe there is no such thing.
Finish Lines
I ran two races at once to win lives that were precious to me. My opponent was Death.
Death had a head start.
Sometimes I ran strong, hopeful and determined. Other times I faltered, exhausted, confused about where to go, feeling I had already lost. Always, whichever race I was running, I felt myself falling behind in the other.
In the end, Death won them both.
This Day, This Moment
Both of my cats are still alive, so you can guess what I am thankful for today. Turns out there are a lot of people around who have been traumatized by euthanasia decisions, which does not surprise me at all. It’s the emotional equivalent of asking someone to decide to put their own child to death. In states where euthanasia has been legalized, that only applies to adults, because a child can’t legally consent. And I think we recognize that asking a parent to make that decision would likely haunt them for the rest of their lives, no matter which way they decided.
Stages
My life has been in crisis for the past 2 – or is it 3? – weeks. Time is elongated, and the last time things were “normal” seems like a long, long time ago.
I knew my animal companions were getting on in years, and could not live forever, but I shoved that awareness to the back of my mind, because I couldn’t conceive of how to live with losing them. It’s been getting harder to ignore since a scare earlier this year, and now it may be unexpectedly upon me. And I still don’t know how.
Caretaking animals is not so very different from caretaking humans. Sometimes, all you can do is keep them clean and warm and dry, but it’s worth doing. After a day at the vet with one cat, I came home to find another hiding under the bed. It’s been almost 36 hours since she would eat anything, and she is a walking (or rather, stumbling) skeleton already. There is nothing left to do for her if she won’t eat. Continue reading
Working Title
I haven’t written much about my short-lived summer job. I meant to, but it got shuttled to the back burner by the premiere of Sensitive: The Untold Story, and other more time-sensitive topics, and by the time that was over, it was old news.
Two Roads Diverged
I felt a certain empathy for my boss and her issues, but eventually concluded they were impacting my life to an unacceptable degree. I was so proud of myself for figuring out that I needed to make a change before the need became urgent. This time, I’ll find another job first, I thought.
However, she must’ve sensed it, because she blew up out of nowhere over something trivial, and abruptly I was out of a job without a replacement income. The time since has been nerve-wracking. Each month, it has been a miracle that I managed to pay my rent. I’m pretty pissed at her. I was a good employee, and I deserved better.
Then I learned that she was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness two weeks after I left. I was shocked and saddened, of course, and I hope she survives. But I can see how very much that is a part of her path, and I can also see that I don’t need to go down that path with her, which would’ve been a lot harder to avoid if I was still working for her. Interesting timing, isn’t it? Continue reading
Where is Karma When You Need Her?
My feline companion of 15 years is sick and I can’t afford to take her to the vet. Her symptoms are common – I know they would need to do expensive tests. And it’s possible, surely it’s possible, that she is only looking so shaky and frail because she ate so little for a few days. Now that I’ve gotten her different food, she is eating more.
I don’t believe in a god or gods, exactly, but I am nevertheless praying to wherever prayers may be heard that she will be more like herself soon. Pray with me.
Because I am not ready for her to leave me, especially not when the decisions I’ve made for myself leave me helpless when she needs me most. I’m willing to take my lumps, but she didn’t have any choice in the matter, so why should she suffer?
Meanwhile, I’ve had bad news about a “little” job I have, just a few hours a month. My boss has no visible skills, except for torturing underlings with more ability but less status, while showing an entirely different face to those in higher echelons. You know the kind of person I mean. As awful as he is to me, I can’t quit, I need the money too badly. I’ve been gritting my teeth and hanging in there by my fingernails because I thought he’d be moving on in a few weeks.
Turns out he won’t be.
Merry Christmas to me.
Did I mention he makes $90,000 a year?
I know the world is not a fair place – I’ve known it for a long time. But there are some days when it’s harder to make peace with that.
This is one of them.
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